Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Closing In

Hey folks! I'm quickly closing in on the 1-more-month milestone of this pregnancy and there is such an array of emotions and thoughts running through my mind when I think about the stage I'm at and what is about to happen.

On Friday, I will be 35 weeks. That is a mere 2 weeks from full term and 5 weeks from my due date. This past Saturday I had the most amazing baby shower and in a couple of days I am having my shower at work. After that, T and I will be cashing in those registry completion discounts and purchasing all of the things we still need for baby (thank God for tax refund season). This, to me, makes it very real.

The feelings I have toward having my baby girl are much like how I felt before we got married. It's something I've wanted my entire life and something I have been looking forward to and planning like a crazy person since the moment I found out I was pregnant (okay...since before I found out, honestly), but now that the big event is right around the corner, my little brain cannot FATHOM it actually happening. It just seems like this dream out there floating around and I can't comprehend the experience truly coming to fruition. I'm going to GIVE BIRTH? I'm going to experience THAT pain? I'm going to have a CHILD??? WHAT? My own human being tethered to me for the rest of my life. THE REST OF MY LIFE????? I'm going to finally understand that feeling of overwhelming, unconditional, life-fulfilling love that I've heard so much about. I am going to be one of those people who says things like, "sorry, I can't...I have to go pick my daughter up."  or "I need to leave early today, my daughter has a game."

Yesterday, I was sitting in on a wellness class during work and the lady speaking asked how many people have children.  Half of the room raised their hands. I didn't even think twice about it and kept mine down.  Then all of a sudden I said "well....kind of. I guess I should start getting used to raising my hand for this type of question."

Along with the disbelief, another emotion I'm experiencing is anxiety of labor and delivery (and recovery).  Don't get that confused with thinking I'm scared. I'm truly not scared because I know I can and will get through it just like so many women do every single day since the beginning of human life. My anxiety, however, comes from having a Type A personality and always wanting to be in control. I'm a planner. I plan everything! Aside from bread and chocolate, spreadsheets and lists are my best friends, so when I admit to myself that there isn't a single human being on this planet who can tell me how my labor and delivery will go, I feel nervous of the unknown. It is true that each woman experiences her own unique birth story and I so badly just want to know what mine will be like so I can feel prepared. It is not a matter of being distrustful of the professionals who will be helping me, I just want to embody the Boy Scout motto.

What I've been doing to help ease some of these emotions is reading up on various women's birth stories. By hearing all of the different experience others have had, I feel like I gain some sort of understanding of all the different things that COULD happen...knowing they won't all happen to me. This way, if I'm told the cord is wrapped around her neck and I need a C-section or I'm in labor for 37 hours or I'm a week late and have to be put on pitocin or I can't pee afterwards because I'm so swollen or I rip (ugh) all the way back to where the sun don't shine...I'll be able to say "okay...I've heard this can happen. It'll be alright." It's all about feeling educated on the possibilities but not being naive enough to think I have any sort of TRUE control over how my own story unfolds.

So there you have it...the very wordy and complex working on my brain at nearly 35 weeks pregnant.
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